Goodbye Kittycat

The last few days have been extremely difficult. Our little kitten got really ill, very quickly. The vets have said that she was just too small to deal with it all.
I’m absolutely heartbroken. I took her in straight away, and they told me she would need to be put to sleep, but we could try some treatment, but they weren’t hopefully. Of course, we tried. They rang us at 4 and told us the treatment wasn’t working and that we needed to come in and say our goodbyes. When we arrived, the vet came out and told us she had improved slightly and was eating so they wouldn’t put her down, she could come home but we’d need to keep the emergency number ready in case she turned in the night, and to keep her warm and syringe water into her mouth if she didn’t drink. I stayed up all night with her, changing the water in the hot water bottle as soon as it started to chill, and giving her water as often as I could.
I took her back the next day as the vets requested and she perked up. She was purring again and moving around. The the vet (a different one to the day before) was checking her over. In my opinion he was being overly rough with her, then he took her temperature and she slumped back down and stopped purring. He told me she needed to stay in for monitoring again.  She stayed with them and I had to keep ringing them. When I rang at 3:30 they told me we could take her home with a course of antibiotics, I was over the moon. I knew she wasn’t out of the woods yet but it was promising. I picked up my son from nursery and told him we were going to pick Caitlin up and off we went. We walked in and the vet said that she wanted to put her to sleep because she wasn’t eating by herself and she would only just be surviving if we did take her home. I had to ring Gordon and get him to decide what to do, I didn’t want to say yes. I wanted to fight, I wanted her to fight. But I know now that would have been selfish of me. My best friend (who was my rock that day) went and picked up Gordon as he’d gone home as we thought we were just picking her up and we all said out goodbyes, including TJ which was even more heartbreaking. Then made TJ go outside with Lucy.

Fast forward to 2 days later, and none of us are coping very well. For a tiny little kitty, that was only in our lives for less than a month, she has left a big hole. TJ keeps asking where she is, and kept putting food in her bowl (I’ve since thrown the food away, and put the bowls in the cupboard, I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away) and the dog keeps searching for her and has been clingy since.

I don’t know how to respond to TJ when he asks for Caitlin. So far I’ve just been saying she’s gone. I think that’s the right thing to do? I don’t know. I’ve not had much loss in my life, so I don’t know how to cope. When my childhood dog died I cried for about a week, when I was 13 but that’s the only loss I’ve known.

This is so difficult…

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