Tidy house, tidy mind?

I hear this saying a lot, and I never really take it in. Recently however, I’ve started to understand it. I’ve not long gotten out of a depression spiral, and the house suffered for it. Even small tasks seemed impossible, asides from things for TJ – mum mode seems to override my depression in terms of getting him up and ready for school, meeting his basic needs like getting him food, drinks and keeping him clean and tidy. On Tuesday of this week I went back on my antidepressants which I’m already contemplating coming back off them because I’m not sleeping, but that’s another story. As well as this, I sat and made a list of everything I needed to get done housework wise, it was a very long, daunting list and I couldn’t see me doing any of it with how my brain was fighting against me. Anyway the day carried on, I forced myself to go into town even though I didnt really need to, just for something to do to keep me from laying on the sofa overthinking all day. Whilst out I saw some products that I kept seeing on all the cleaning Instagrams etc, they were cheap enough so I picked a few up.

I was eager to use them but by the time I got home, because buses are awful I didnt really have time before getting TJ from school, and then TJ had a rough time at school and had a sensory overload when he got home and needed my full attention all night so not alot got done and we ended up ordering food in. (At least that’s less washing up to catch up though haha)

Bedtime finally came for TJ, and I was flicking through Instagram and came across cleaning accounts, all these people had perfect show homes that barely got dirty enough to need cleaning, which made my mind worse! Why isnt my house this perfect? Anyway it got me thinking, what about a more realistic cleaning routine? After joking to a friend about making my own cleaning account, I took the plunge. The account aims to be for when lows hit and you still want to get things done, and realistic cleaning regimes for houses that actually get dirty! The account is @disinfectingmymind if youd like to give it a follow.

So Wednesday comes, I drop off TJ at school and I finally get the chance to try these new products. It was like I was possessed, I had my list and things were being ticked off, and it felt great. Some jobs took a lot longer than others, like my sons room – who new a kid could make so much mess? But I got most of them done before I needed to pick up TJ, when he came home we played for a bit in his nice tidy and clean room and he promised me he’d keep it tidy. (We’ll see!)

For the most part the house was tidy and clean, and I already felt so much better for it. I managed to get myself in the shower once TJ was in bed, and I didnt even feel bad about the fact that there was a few bits left on the list, whereas usually I’d be really anxious and feel like I hadnt accomplished anything if my list wasn’t all ticked off. The jobs that weren’t done have been added to today’s list and theyll get done eventually.

So tidy house, tidy mind?

I think there’s definitely some truth there!

My child, my lifesaver.

He doesn’t even know it, but my beautiful little guy saves my life daily.

Depression is awful, but as a parent – you kind of just get on with things. You know you have to for your little. You force yourself to do things because they rely on us. Even when we feel like the worst parent in the world, we know we have to carry on for them.

On my worst days, when I get the worst of thoughts, I know that I can’t do that to my child, I can’t imagine the pain that must cause, and it’s something I dont ever want my son to go through. That probably sounds irrational but it helps me through the urge.

I came across a good quote that has actually helped me so much.

The way I transfer this quote to my life is my lists. I always make lists of what I need to do in the day. I get so frustrated with myself if I don’t finish the lists but with this quote in mind, I shouldn’t see it that way, I should see the bits I did get done as a victory. Today has been one of those days, I’ve not done much at all housework wise. However I did watch the new series of Black Mirror, so it ended up being a kind of chill day, which is also good sometimes especially if you’re feeling exhausted etc. Tomorrow I can tackle the list of stuff to do.

If you’re struggling with mental health, reach out. Reach out to a friend or family member if you can, but if you dont feel like you can do that then there is many different resources available.

Anxiety UK

Charity providing support if you have been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.

Phone: 03444 775 774 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5.30pm)

Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk

Bipolar UK

A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.

Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk

CALM

CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15 to 35.

Phone: 0800 58 58 58 (daily, 5pm to midnight)

Website: www.thecalmzone.net

Men’s Health Forum

24/7 stress support for men by text, chat and email.

Website: www.menshealthforum.org.uk

Mental Health Foundation

Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.

Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Mind

Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.

Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm)

Website: www.mind.org.uk

No Panic

Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Offers a course to help overcome your phobia or OCD.

Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am to 10pm)

Website: www.nopanic.org.uk

PAPYRUS

Young suicide prevention society.

Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm and 7pm to 10pm, and 2pm to 5pm on weekends)

Website: www.papyrus-uk.org

Rethink Mental Illness

Support and advice for people living with mental illness.

Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm)

Website: www.rethink.org

Samaritans

Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.

Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)

Website: www.samaritans.org.uk

SANE

Emotional support, information and guidance for people affected by mental illness, their families and carers.

SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (daily, 4.30pm to 10.30pm)

Textcare: comfort and care via text message, sent when the person needs it most: www.sane.org.uk/textcare

Peer support forum: www.sane.org.uk/supportforum

Website: www.sane.org.uk/support

YoungMinds

Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.

Phone: Parents’ helpline 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm)

Website: www.youngminds.org.uk

Anxiety, you asshole

Excuse the profanity, but that’s exactly how I feel about my anxiety at the minute.

Since I’ve started work, it’s gotten worse. I feel anxious every day. It’s making me feel sick, to the point where I’m physically retching, I can’t eat the mornings that I have work, or even drink. I know what I’m doing, and I’m fine with the job itself, but I can’t shake this anxiety. I went to the doctors, and all they did was up my anti-depressants, which would be fine but the depression isn’t the problem. I’m not sleeping well at all, and even if I fall asleep straight away, I’m up and down all night. I don’t know how to make my brain work properly again. I’m forgetful, I have constant headaches, lack of appetite. Hmph.

I think I’ll just have to keep going back to the doctors, because I have no idea what else to do.

Going Viral

No I don’t mean online, I mean I’ve picked up yet another viral infection!
If I could not be ill for once, that’d be so great.

I feel like I’m constantly complaining, but I’m so done with being ill, I can’t seem to catch a break. I have too much work to be doing for my deadline in less than 2 weeks and my driving test is also in less than 2 weeks, so you can see why this virus has come at the wrong time. At the minute my whole body aches and I’m getting stomach cramps that feel like someone is tearing my tummy apart from the inside. Which is already painful enough, but the pain has travelled up to my chest as well and feels like it’s triggering my pancreatic attacks as well. Honestly just feel like crying in the corner, but I need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it cause I have a toddler to look after and stuff to get on with.
Okay enough whinging for one post!

Common cold?

Okay so I am always ill. It can’t just be me?!
I know that this is supposedly a common cold, but how do people deal with it?
We’ve all only just got over a sickness bug, and now we’re all down with the flu.
Has anyone got any tips to help? TJs having calpol when his temperature flares up, and having plenty of fluids as are me and Gordon. But this is really draining us.

I’m almost certain that I’m getting yet another chest infection as well, so that’s fun -.-

Someone send hot water bottles and lots of medicine!

First day back at Uni: 24/03/2015

I did it. I went back to Uni for the first time since my surgery. I had a few twinges pain wise but it was okay!

It just felt normal being back, and I was told I’d lost weight so thats always a plus. But then having an organ out does that for you haha. I hadn’t missed too much and managed to keep up in the lectures which I was worried about.

The main thing that got me was all the walking. I was absolutely knackered. Considering I havent really done anything over the past few weeks, it was a shock to my system.

I had to get books out of the library, because I am very behind with research. I have 10 books, and I carried them all the way to the bus station, which killed me because 10 books are quite heavy. It took me 45 minutes to get from Uni to the bus station. Luckily the bus didn’t take long to arrive, and Gordon met me at the other end with TJ 🙂 Then he treated me to chinese takeaway to say well done for going back, and as an early birthday thing.

All in all, I was okay going back. I walked back in as if I’d never been away and everyone was really helpful.

Rant/Vent

So angry right now. All the decent books which I need for my essays, are all already out on loan. I know it’s first come first served but ughhh. I need them, and they are able to be loaned out for a whole term which means that the people that have them are probably going to have them all term. I wouldn’t mind if it was laziness that I hadn’t got them, but it was because of the surgery that I couldn’t get the books I needed. My plan was when I got the letter for the surgery I would start getting books out so that I had plenty over the recovery time, but nope. My body failed out on me, and I had to have emergency surgery.

I don’t know what to do because I can’t rely on the internet entirely. I have to use books. I’m gonna go in early in the morning and spend ages in there just looking for anything remotely related to any of the subjects I need. Just got to keep my fingers crossed.

Okay, I’m done. TJ’s in bed, and me and Gordon are going to make chicken in white wine sauce and rice. Hopefully that will make me feel better!

(Almost) 2 weeks post operation

So its been 2 weeks tomorrow since I had my operation, and I’m finally starting to feel better. The pain comes and goes in the same area that the top cut is, but is not as bad as it was. Although the cuts themselves seem to not be healing, and they keep getting caught on stuff and getting ripped open again. I’m hoping to return to Uni on Tuesday, all being well. I’m going crazy stuck at home, and its stressing me out that I haven’t got any books out for my essays. I can feel myself slipping behind, and it makes me so anxious. I really don’t want to have to mitigate if I can get away with not. I should probably be doing Uni work instead of writing this, but screw it. I’ll finish this post and then finish making notes about why or why not TV licenses should still be a thing or not. One of my many essays.

Okay, I’m going to go and do that now. Bye for now!

Recovery – Gallbladder Removal

Ouch.

This hurts, a lot. I didn’t expect to be this uncomfortable. I feel sick, all the time. I can barely eat (which is probably a good thing tbh) I am trying to wean myself off of the painkillers because they are making me sick, and also backing me up but lets not talk about that haha.

My fiance has been great through all this.He’s had a week off work, and has been looking after me and my son. He’s been getting up with him, and making me drinks, food etc and giving me my blood thinner injections. I want to buy him something but I am broke, and obviously I cant get out and about to go searching for something.

Ugh, I just had tomato soup, and I feel so insanely sick 😦 I didnt even feel like this when I was pregnant!

This recovery needs to speed up, because yuk.

Gallbladder Removal – at last!

Okay, so I was finally given the surgery. Unfortunately it was emergency, and I didnt have time to be prepared or sort anything out. Last friday I started getting worse pain than usual, and it wasnt easing up, the monday I rang the doctors and got some new painkillers to take which did absolutely nothing. Due to still being in pain, I didnt attend Uni on Tuesday, the pain didnt let up, and then eventually on Thursday at around 7pm the pain became excruciating. I had to get Gordon to come home from darts, and called an ambulance.  I got to A&E and nothing they were giving me was working to help the pain, they guessed that one of the stones had escaped my gallbladder and had inflamed my gallbladder and pancreas again. Eventually they moved me to the ward and gave me morphine, which helped a lot more than anything else. The next day they decided to put me onto the emergency surgery list. (The irony is that the letter for the scheduled surgery arrived the day after haha) I had the surgery around 2pm and was back on the ward around 4ish, and in a lot of pain! I had to have a camera down my throat as well as the keyhole surgery to get the loose stones. No painkillers seem to be helping, and the fact the nurses were crap and didnt give me half the ones I was allowed, and werent regular at all didn’t help either. I was discharged today (Saturday) at around 3, because there was not a lot else they could do for me, because all I need now is 2 weeks bed rest, and to carry on taking the painkillers (which will actually be on time so that’ll be good) Ive also got to have blood thinning injections morning and night, and to wear those awful stockings because I’m bed ridden, also I’ve been given some antibiotics because they think I had a water infection aswell just to top it all off. Fun times. At least its out now, I look forward to recovering so that I can actually be back to the happy pain free me!

(Enjoy some photos from my hospital stay. Some are from A&E, one is my pre-op selfie, and even a snap of me doing Uni work because I’m just that dedicated even though I’m in agony!)

Okay nap time for me now, going to make the most of my partner looking after our little boy 😛

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